Closet Films

What a treat JK has for all you film fans this week! If you have scanned the multiplex listings in vain for a film that isn't based on a children's toy, a theme park ride or a comic book, then fear not, JK swooshes to the rescue with a new way of watching films. Whilst we are on the subject of piss poor summer fodder, most of which are comic book adaptations, somebody in Hollywood has a lot of explaining to do for the Green Lantern atrocity.  Was it a two for a one offer with Batman? Even by the abysmal dress sense of superheroes, who generally resemble skinny wrestlers or drag queens without the lip gloss,  Green Lantern looks particularly stupid.  He is less universe saving superhero, more struggling actor working for the Irish tourist board as a good-looking leprechaun, using his turquoise torch for night time guided walks of old Dublin town.

Apparently the effluent of terrible comic book films is all to do with international sales, so when you get angry that there's nothing to watch or rent, blame a 14 year old boy in Korea as  he is the studios' target market. Although even Jin Min Jin thinks Green Lantern was a steaming pile of camel dung, topped with a dead dog sprinkled with dried rats' anuses and yes he was that specific.. But what's this new way of watching films you ask? Welcome to the wonderful world of closet cinema, which is all about films that on the surface play it macho and straight; underneath they are desperate to come out of the closet. The makers typically did not realise the mixed interpretations, which proves another universal truth, the law of unintended consequences.

So, let's look at some strong contenders from recent times. (Just to note, being a closet film is not a bad thing, the gayness or otherwise of a film is simply a genre tag and this gives many films a whole new spin).  Right up there, naturally, is the adaptation of Frank Miller's graphic novel, 300. As this blog is too short to list all the homo-erotic elements of this film, let's stick to the highlights. Men spend nearly all their time in the company of other men, dressed only in the their underpants. Their primary activities are: weightlifting judging by their six/eight packs, wrestling each other, whipping small boys and fighting with spears and swords, in other words stabbing other men with phallic objects. If the Spartans weren't quite proof enough, their Persian opponents are S & M fetishists, whose leader is a giant, studded and pierced man who wears make-up. Did I forget to mention he's carried around on a throne by lots of burly men?  The Twilight  films are on the surface aimed at straight women, except that the leading lady looks like a bloke and all the men, whether they are vampires, werewolves or normals spend a lot of time running around with their shirts off. Even with films like The Hangover, you can't shake the feeling that the boys would be much happier if there was no wedding or women involved at all and then could spend the rest of the time hanging out together, probably playing rough house in just their boxers.

The Closet Film club is open to anyone and you can join in any time you like, giving your favourite films a whole new twist. For example, JK's personal fave, The Lord of Rings trilogy, quite apart from the title, has surprisingly strong gay undercurrents. When Sauruman instructed his Uruk Hai to taste 'man flesh', the double meaning was in plain view. Throughout the film, women are generally an annoyance or distract men from the important business of wearing leather and pouting.

Pick any film you like and see if there's a hidden subtext, for example Top Gun, Days of Thunder or Cocktail to pluck any three unrelated, in no way linked films at random.

Next blog, JK has a go at David Cameron, because he clearly wasn't bullied enough at school.